My Journey with Psychedelic Mushrooms - Healing with the Mother Mushroom

Disclaimer: Before I begin I would like to say that this post is about my experience, I am not a health professional, scientist, researcher, or therapist. All the thoughts expressed in this post are my point of view and should be taken as that, not fact. With that said I am happy to reference my own resources at the end.

The months leading up to this moment kept pointing me towards working with this medicine, whether it was through articles, words, images, or just through conversations the psychedelic mushrooms kept calling to me. And to be honest I had always been curious about their mystical ways but too afraid to venture. I had taken a small amount in my early 20s just enough to experience the slight twinkling of the Christmas lights in my small dark living room. Not enough to make it profound in any way. I wasn’t ready back then. I was too scared of myself and knowing the deepest depths. But the day finally arrived when I would connect with the mother mushroom. Everything leading to this experience was quite intense, almost unbearable. I couldn’t ask for a better time to hold such sacred space: Theo at daycare, Mark away from the house, and so it was just me in the comfort of my living room nook.

Opening myself to speaking the truth of my journey is much more important than maintaining a particular image of myself. I hope to give others the space to be curious, to open themselves up to Earth Medicines, and to seek healing outside the structured medical system. Sharing my journey is typically very uncomfortable for me but I feel this experience is far too valuable to hide within myself or within the whispers of good friends.

The day before Thanksgiving, I created my own sacred ritual to connect on a deeper level, utilizing the Mother Mushroom: a little over 2 grams of Golden Teacher. The strain itself is delicate and gentle, especially for a first-timer psychonaut such as myself. My whole life I’ve been quite conservative with my experimentation of drugs particularly psychedelics. Cannabis is really the only plant medicine I have a familiarity with, which I used medicinally for my chronic pain since about 18 years old. I was involved in a minor car accident at that age when the brakes of a 1997 Jeep Wrangler suddenly cut out in which I found myself and the driver thrown into the back of another car at 25 mph. As I saw the impact about to occur I braced myself, my right arm in full tension trying to hold on. Ever since that event I have suffered from neck, shoulder, and upper back pain. To make matters worse I had been working in the restaurant industry since about 16 years of age and remained to do so over the next 10 years from that accident. I went to every doctor specializing in pain or sports medicine, and I heard the same explanation over and over again, that they never “saw anything” wrong. I was prescribed high-strength pain medications or muscle relaxers. I never took them, I intuitively felt put off by their effects, I vowed to find my own path to healing instead. Unfortunately, this is not the case for some of those in my family, whether it was pain medication or sleeping aids they have at some point fallen victim to the use of these prescription drugs at some point.

I never advertised my cannabis use. I didn't want anyone to judge me based on it, silly as I think about it now because we rarely judge recreational alcohol drinkers in society, not unless it then becomes a problem. Keep in mind for all you West Coast readers out there, I’m from New York State, and during my consumption of cannabis, use of this plant was still highly illegal with very severe penalties. I’ve always been an avid rule-follower, part of the character I developed in order to survive was being a “good girl”, doing what I was told, never talking back or getting out of line. Even though I knew this plant medicine was so therapeutic I would only open up to people I felt comfortable with. I kept my smoking to a minimum typically only at night after work or on days I had off. For the majority of my use of this plant, it was a positive one. It cracked me open to new ideas, and new ways of thinking especially as an Artist. But at one point following a series of traumatic events including the sudden death of my brother-in-law the go-to plant medicine only prompted panic attacks and states of unease. I took time off for months to regroup and figure out how else I could manage my pain.

The once-useful plant only created internal chaos. Panic attacks were so debilitating I felt like I was dying. My role had changed needing to be an emotional rock for my partner while navigating my own grief. To be honest it triggered my fear of death. Eric was only 33 years old when he passed, and my own mortality became clear. This was a dark time. Several months later a friend’s wife passed away in a tragic accident she was also around the same age. I was 28 at the time, this triggered the frantic thoughts of what my life really meant. I lived in a state of constant worry that what I did had no purpose. That if I were to die in that moment would it have mattered?

From 2016 to 2022, so much happened, A dark night of the Soul in many ways, but also a beacon of light as my son Theo was born in 2020. During my pregnancy, I was faced with the challenges of a global pandemic, lockdowns, a very aggressive fire season living in the mountains of Northern California, and preparing to sell a house while buying a new one in the hostile Covid housing market all while carrying my first child. I cannot describe how alone I felt. Physically away from my biological family. It was a daily struggle to scrape by searching for hope. The flutters of my sweet little boy gave me all the hope I needed. His spirit was vibrant and full of love from the moment I felt his energy within me. This culmination of events created a vessel for deep spiritual work. During my pregnancy, I did refrain from cannabis use. I'm not much of a drinker so that wasn't a big deal to surrender. For most of my pregnancy we were isolated in our mountain home so fast food comforts were not readily available, basically, all external vices were gone and I sat uncomfortably with my thoughts and emotions.

I wrote.

I processed,

I meditated.

It felt like the Universe stripped me down in order to rebuild anew. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone, it was torture at times. But there was always a glimmer of hope, for my growing little boy, he needed me so, and so for him, I continued on. I’ve read about the countless experience of Holocaust survivors, a few that were carrying their unborn children during the living hell they experienced. The common thread of having hope, just enough to push through another day, not too delusional yet not bleak, The right amount of hope needed to give critical life force energy in order to survive. This is what the human body is capable of. My experience was nowhere near this level of torture but it was my own living hell.

My life leading up to my journey with the mushrooms had been reaching a tipping point.

My career, my relationships, my health, my finances, everything felt as though it was just too much. I feel as though what I experienced is not isolated, collectively it had been a very difficult few years, and my experience is one of many. I do not mean to speak in such riddles or vague terms when it comes to my life but it is still unfolding as I write. I’m still in the process of integration: taking the profound information I was met with in my journey while fusing it with every day.

Before I go on to the journey’s experience and insights I must mention another key factor to how this all connects. My older brother, who is actually my half-brother from my Mother, is developmentally disabled. He is unable to care for himself in the capacity you or I can. His diagnosis has changed multiple times throughout his life but one has remained the same: Asperger syndrome. He’s 4 years my elder, and growing up before the birth of my two younger brothers it was just me and him. Intuitively I knew I needed to protect him but I always saw him on a Soul level, a person just like myself, no different. It wasn’t until he was in kindergarten the school finally realized he needed special care the public school system could not provide. After years of my Mom advocating for his diagnosis he was finally placed into a school that could meet his needs. There were times I traveled to his school for pickup or events, it was clear I was in another reality, at its worst I would see children with helmets to protect themselves from physical displays of aggression with caretakers. I was hyper-aware. There were times I was hit with a stark reality of what mental illness could manifest itself into. He would hear destructive voices, voices that would tell him to kill himself or others he loved. Each time these words were met with a call to attention, and then he was rushed off to a psychiatric hospital, kept for evaluation and we would wait until it was time to pick him up. This happened multiple times. Too many I cannot recall them all As a child I would walk into this world, one that most people have never experienced. I cannot describe how it shaped my understanding of the mind at such a young age but I find this part of my story prolific. There were times my family, myself included, were evaluated in order for the doctors to gain deeper insights into what was occurring with Ben. I remember understanding their job, I did not mind talking with them, in fact, I found it quite interesting.

"What were they writing about? I’d like to talk to people about their feelings." I thought.

My mom has PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Alcoholism is another issue that occurs in my family line, my brothers with histories of depression as well. Prescription drug use for pain, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, the list goes on. And so there’s me, I’ve been on my own healing path without the use of any of these medications or substances. But I have an intimate connection to mental health struggles as an outsider. Saddened yet fascinated. And so for my own personal journey, I chose to not medicate myself in those ways. I understand the benefits to some, I also know there are other forms of healing available that are readily becoming available to those in need. Psilocybin feels like one of those elements.

My journey began on the day before Thanksgiving 2022. In the time leading up to that day, I kept asking myself “Am I actually going through with this?” I literally do not have the time or space in my life to invest multiple hours of “being” I kept thinking to myself. But when you know what is best for yourself you find a way to make it work. The night before I had such anxiety leading to a series of strange, vivid dreams. One of which I was catering an event, and everything was chaos. Birds appeared and then cats were trying to attack them all. One bird that approached me in particular, was a hummingbird, it appeared suddenly and then vanished. I was looking for her. Worried the cats got to her first. The hummingbird is a very powerful symbol for me, it appears in my dreams, shamanic journeys, and meditations, in my daily waking life as well. I lay awake tossing and turning all night, thinking about what could go wrong. What if my experience was terrifying, what if I lose control?

I walked to the kitchen for a drink of water at 2 am then calmly reassured myself it would all be just fine. I went back to sleep. That morning I woke up around 5 am. I had agreed to make Theo’s school a turkey for their potluck, so I woke up at 5 am to roast a 6lb turkey. Why yes I am insane. But it was actually calming, I was by myself, quiet with my thoughts, in my element. I love to cook, it can be a relaxing experience since it is so grounding. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember, helping alongside my Mom, learning, watching, and doing. I made myself a Mudwtr. I decided to skip the coffee that morning, I didn't need the extra jitters. I pulled the green juice out of the fridge, I made it the night before for my morning breakfast. I proceeded to stretch. All and all, I had 2 solid hours of peace to myself roasting that little turkey. The energy shifted once Theo woke up, I switched gears to school prep. I got everything in order, roasted turkey and toddler ready for drop off. Once I got home reality sank in of what I committed myself for that day.

I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the living room. In some ways, I was delaying the journey because I was a little nervous. I then began to create a sacred space.

I treated this act as if it was a ritual.

I did my research in typical Akela fashion. I decided I would do the recommended dose of 2 grams of Golden Teacher from a trusted source. I weighed it out, ground the mushroom medicine up in my electric spice grinder, and followed the procedure of lemon tekking: which is soaking the ground mushrooms in lemon juice for about 15-20 minutes. This activates the medicine quicker than if you took them alone, more intense yet shortens the experience to a manageable amount of time. While I waited for the lemon juice to do its work I sat on the floor, the sacred space I intended on being for this experience, I wrote out my intentions. Some of which will remain private but overall I was looking for clarity on my path. As much as I may seem to have found my way in life, my creation of art, pottery in particular, is only part of my story.

After months of serious downfalls, I felt a bit lost in what I was doing.

I felt a bit defeated.

I wanted to use this experience as a way to connect back to purpose. After setting those intentions it was time to consume the medicine. I drank the lemon mushroom mixture and chased it down with fresh ginger juice. Ginger is very important for soothing and preventing the dreaded nauseous feeling mushrooms can produce. I drank a little bit of my green juice and sat down. I spent the next 40 minutes waiting for the effects to kick in. I started listening to a jazzy, soulful, mix of songs on a random Spotify radio station I selected, I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect pairing. And so the feeling came on. At first, I felt buzzed, like when you have the perfect amount of cocktails but not just the feeling of alcohol, it’s the warm fuzzy feeling of sharing drinks with good friends that it produces, where you feel happy because everything just feels right.

Right away I acknowledged my deep love for music, and how the music was shaping my state. I felt a deep sense of being. Very much in the emotions and sensations. That day the weather was beautiful, the sky was a bright blue with perfectly plump clouds drifting by. I moved my entire station to the west-facing back sliding door, that space felt right. After getting comfortable I perched myself like a kitty by the glass. I watched the clouds create animations. Slowly moving, slowly drifting by.

I wanted to capture it in some way but logically I knew a photo wouldn’t translate. And so I sat watching.

As I watched a hummingbird appeared, my eyes zooming in focus, a very tiny creature perched on the powerline, the tree’s branches arched around it. It became more focused. She spoke to me, not in literal words but in metaphors through the mind’s eye.

She said, “you just are”. She made me feel as though everything I am was the path, it wasn’t a particular yes or no, right or wrong direction, it was in the being. I sat with that information. I tried to write. My hand didn’t know how my usual neat way of writing was stretched. Short sentences were all I could manage:

The hummingbird,

The clouds,

I ask and she says

this is it

I let go of just being. To lay down.

The visuals were light, mainly expressed in the clouds. The trees moved and danced. I felt connected to music, in fact, I felt connected to everything. I walked around and looked at my house. I noticed that nothing was a mistake, the way I curated my belongings had meaning. My rituals, the ones I have practiced for years including preparing herbal teas, incense and smoke, cooking nourishing meals, meditating, writing, and stretching, were all connected to how I live and how I wish to live. In the midst of trying to be "successful,'' I lost parts of myself that know the great value in slowing down.

I continued to pace to the music. I noticed the animals outside but also the ones that live in my house. The cats and dogs surrounded me. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for everything in my life, even the dark chaos. It all felt connected. That is the only word I could think of during this experience, connected. At the same time, I felt as though I had moved away from my true nature. I kept looking at certain objects in and outside of the house thinking: “This isn’t me”. Who’s life am I living?” I lost myself in trying to be everything for everyone. Trying to create a business, an image, a model that looked polished but was it true to who I was? Was it true to what I wanted in my life? Profound insights came to me as I browsed the Dwell magazine on the floor. This space I created was part of the experience, another part of what makes me who I am. The ability to evoke feeling with space, I learned this early on. Even when I had very little growing up my fascination with decor and design was strong, it gave me a sense of joy in the chaotic world I was brought into.

I chose to go outside to the backyard. It has become my safe haven. Gardening is a great passion of mine. Over the years I have been deeply connected to the Earth, not for what plants do for me but what they do for the creatures we share this environment with. I walked around barefoot, my toes crunching the freshly fallen leaves. The air was crisp yet the sun was perfectly warm. I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day. I felt deep gratitude once more. A slowing down and noticing instead of my usual frantic pace. The hummingbird appeared once more. I made sure to acknowledge her and her wisdom. Such a small creature but her energy was quite bold. She says “ I am, I do not need to try”.

I wrote this down:

This isn’t me

The roles,

I just am,

I know,

I do not need to write

Or explain,

I need not try

This could be painful for some

But this is where I am home

In the being.

I drank some lentil soup. Then decided to take a shower. I had my earbuds in the entire time. I put a shower cap on and turned on the hot water. Steam filled the bathroom. It felt like a ritual once more. These mundane activities we do every day all felt of great importance. The heat felt blissful. I felt connected to my body. I felt a deep love for her for the first time. I thanked her for carrying me each and every day. I thanked my womb for carrying a perfect being. I never thanked my womb for all she has done. I felt as though I needed to have closure from that part of my life. Two years later I finally held gratitude for her, all of her.

I felt a deep sense of knowing, I wrote these words:

she won’t go back to before,

the before does not exist,

only in memory.

When the shower was done, I thanked the water, and I felt a deep love for this time and space. I then spent time with myself in the mirror. I felt as though I had seen myself for the first time. I wasn’t critical for once. I saw myself for who I was, for the strength and the softness. I saw into my heart. My self-care was a ritual as well. I went into my bedroom and the clothes, the ones I was wearing before the shower didn’t feel quite right. I searched for clothes that I would change into, that looked a certain way but also felt natural. My body could move freely and felt nurtured. I thought about how it was time to start cleansing all parts of myself including my clothes, to reflect the person I am now, not the image of the past. I planted that seed for another time. I walked back out, refreshed on many levels. I wrote again as I had clarity once more. The trip was coming to an end. Back outside I went to be with nature. Hummingbird greeted me one last time. For me, she was guiding me as I needed, gentle yet powerful wisdom. It was not at all the experience I thought it would be. It was euphoric. I felt love, I felt connection, I felt wisdom. I left with a deep connection to the mushroom medicine and an even more commitment to following this path further. This journey was about 4 hours, a manageable amount of time for us all to carve out in our week or month.

My hope in writing about this experience is to take psychedelics out of the dark taboo corners of society and speak up on the profound good it can have in our world. I was safely secure in the comfort of my home. I came out of the experience with great clarity and happiness which has carried to the days following. The experience is difficult to put into words if I am completely honest. Words do not describe the full emotion, the insight, the moments of clarity and connection. I will continue to unpack this experience, applying the wisdom I gained to my waking life.

Since this experience, I have followed a microdosing protocol that has been quite profound in my daily life. There are many resources, these have been the most impactful in my journey with the medicine:

DoubleBlind - DoubleBlind is a biannual print magazine and media company covering timely, untold stories about the expansion of psychedelics around the globe.

Microdosing Institute - Microdosing Institute is a global education, community, and research platform. We build vital connections in society and bring together ancestral wisdom with modern science to allow for safe, conscious, and effective microdosing with psychedelics.

Entheowheel - Entheowheel is the collaborative creation of Dream Mullick and an incredible visionary team of mostly volunteers, community sponsors and grassroots funders.

Our intention is to nurture a sacred union between ceremony and science, by bridging indigenous plant medicine wisdom with the modern science of psychedelics.